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Podcast Description 

Communication is very important when it comes to any relationship, especially marriage. And any healthy relationship will have its share of conflict. Viewing conflict positively and beneficial can help you manage your differences and experience deeper levels of intimacy. But where does conflict come from? Join Tim and Elaine Russo as they discuss the roots of conflict how we can understand why they arise. This is part 3 in a 4-part series on Communication in Marriage.

A conflict is disharmony between two opposing persons, ideas, or interest: a clash. (American Heritage Dictionary)

Biblical Concept/passage:

Ephesians 4:3 – Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Romans 12:18 – If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Proverbs 27:17– As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

We are different by design.

1 Corinthians 12:18-21 – But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be? But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”

Conflicts in relationships are normal.

Three levels of conflict

• Disagreement – very common – We can disagree about many things.
• Argument – best understood in a courtroom setting – healthy – Each side presents their case.
• Fight – WAR. something or someone usually gets hurt – This becomes about power, territory, rights, etc. Here, we lose sight of the problem and start attacking the person.

Relationship conflicts have their roots in inner conflicts.

Galatians 5:16-17 – I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Romans 7:19 – For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.

Matthew 7:13 – And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

James 4:1-3 – What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (NIV).

Psalm 139:23-24 – Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  

Conflicts begin with an Offense. 

1. Legitimate Offense

Mark 9:42 –  But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble (skandalon), it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.

2. Perceived Offense

Mark 6:1-4 – Then He went out from there and came to His own country, and His disciples followed Him. 2 And when the Sabbath had come, He began to teach in the synagogue. And many hearing Him were astonished, saying, “Where did this Man get these things? And what wisdom is this which is given to Him, that such mighty works are performed by His hands! 3 “Is this not the carpenter, the Son of Mary, and brother of James, Joses, Judas, and Simon? And are not His sisters here with us?” And they were offended at Him. 4 But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.”

Matthew 15:10-14 – When He had called the multitude to Himself, He said to them, “Hear and understand:  11 “Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man.” 12 Then His disciples came and said to Him, “Do You know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?” 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 “Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”

Application

Think about a current conflict you are experiencing and ask yourself how much of this conflict is a result of your own inner conflict. 

Meditate on God’s word and pray the prayer of the Psalmist. 

Psalm 139:23-24 – Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Summary

• Conflicts are normal
• God uses differences in others to mature us
• We are different by design
• We talked about the 3 levels of conflict (Disagreement, Arguments, and fight)
• We discussed inner conflicts and how they spill into our relationships
• We covered the different types of offenses 

Action Steps:

Be sure to share the podcast with your friends and family.

Resources

Tim’s Message “Hope for the Anxious”

The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande

Tim and Elaine Russo are founders of the Relationship Impact Group. They are passionate about helping individuals and couples live out their God-given purpose.

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